April 1 2018 | Campus Life
Mysterious “gateway” discovered in underground tunnel
MacEwan University has blocked all access to the underground tunnel connecting Buildings 5 and 6, following the discovery of a crack in the tunnel wall, which is leaking an unknown biological material.
The opening, which is being referred to as a “portal,” appeared after government-funded tests were conducted in the tunnel labs, led by Dr. Martin Brenner, an associate professor and scientist. Martin could not be reached for comment, but another faculty member, Scott Clarke, says he has a theory that the portal may lead to an “alternate dimension.”
“I have a metaphor to explain what I think is happening in the tunnel. Imagine an acrobat and a flea on a tightrope. Both the acrobat and flea can move forward and backward along the rope, but the flea can also walk to the bottom-side of the rope, then return to the top. The acrobat has one dimension, the flea has two.”
There are many concerns about the dangers lurking in this alternate dimension, and Jim Hopper, a member of the security team, is actively investigating the tunnel and the substance, which he believes is causing a wave of bizarre behaviour.
“Students who come in contact with the ‘gateway’ are experiencing vivid and sudden flashbacks to the 1980s,” says Hopper. “If you find yourself wanting to buy scrunchies, referencing Ghostbusters, singing classics by the Clash or feeling an immediate need to play arcade games, please seek medical attention.”
Hopper urges students to gather in Building 11, which many are calling a “safe haven.” Free Eggo waffles are being offered to maintain morale during this ongoing situation.
“Stay with your friends,” warns Hopper. “Make sure you bike home with each other. But honestly, the worst thing you could do is ditch your best friend at a pool party – that’s a terrible decision and you’ll regret it.”
Disclaimer… Eleven may insist that “friends don’t lie,” but in this case they do – Happy April Fool’s Day from MacEwan University!
And seriously… To stay in-the-know during real campus emergencies, sign up for MacEwan Alert. In the event of an emergency on campus, the notification system will automatically send information to your university email account, and if you add your mobile number to myStudentSystem, you can also receive text updates. But no guarantees that the service will help you avoid the upside down!
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